


Lost in darkness

by orphan_account



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Brotherly Love, Dean Winchester Needs a Hug, Depressed Dean Winchester, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Dean Winchester, Family Feels, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Nightmares, Sad, Sam Winchester Helps Dean Winchester, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy, Triggers, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:41:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23453410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Dean can't help it. His mind keeps forcing him into a pit of darkness. So no, Dean can't help it. But Sam can.orDean is finally diagnosed with depression. Sam is a good brother.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Kudos: 37





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This has a slight trigger warning in it for suicidal thoughts but I don't go into much detail in these areas. Stay safe.

Chapter 1  
The first time it happened, Dean didn’t think much of it. He brushed it off because everyone dreams of dying, right? The second time was pretty much the same. Sure, this time he woke up in a puddle of his own sweat, but Dean didn’t care. Even if he’d died at the hands of himself this time.  
It shocked him when the dreams came into his daily life. He remembered the first time it happened, sat staring out of an old diner window, lost in his own thoughts. He knew Sam was speaking, but god that kid was boring sometimes, so he let himself zone out. He didn’t even realise, but he was imagining his own funeral. There was no one there except his body lying in the plain casket with slit wrists.  
It was only when Sam shouted “Dean, are you even listening man?” that he thought about it properly. Dean was fully aware of how he’d died in that daydream. And he’d never admit it, but it scared him how effortlessly his brain had conjured the image. Moving around all his life meant that he didn’t have many friends. But no one was there. Not even Sam. Or his dad. Or Cas.  
After that, everything changed. Dean began to imagine his death more often. Involuntarily thinking about overdoses, standing on a ledge, the feeling of adrenaline as a blade rubbed against his skin. He genuinely tried not to, because that’s what teenage girls do, not grown hunters god dammit Dean pull yourself together. He could say that to himself a million times but his brain screwed him over each time.  
There became a point where he knew he had to accept these feelings. Because he could kill werewolves and poison vampires but Dean couldn’t figure out how to kill his own brain for a few hours. And it felt like he’d failed.


	2. The incident

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam walks in on Dean having a moment he can't handle alone.

Chapter 2  
Sam wasn’t an idiot. He noticed when his brother zoned out with horror in his eyes, when he jolted awake at night, gasping for breath, sweating and fighting back tears. He noticed when Dean became more withdrawn, even though it seemed like he was trying to be his normal sarcastic self.  
But being close to Dean wasn’t easy. Especially when it came to things like how he felt. Sam knew Dean preferred to deal with things on his own, but that didn’t make it easy for him to sit and watch his brother suffer more each day.  
Each incident merged with the next, and each day Sam noticed a new piece of his brother slipping away into the abyss. But there was always one time that stood out in Sam’s mind like a sore thumb. It was early in June, and Sam was coming back to the motel they were staying at, burgers and fries in tow. When he opened the door, he was immediately greeted with a sombre sound of sobbing. Not just a light shedding of tears, but full on, heartbreaking sobbing.  
He located the sounds in record time, forcing the bathroom door to see Dean shaking and crying on the floor with his head in his hands.His whole body was trembling and he was breathing in shallow gasps, clearly worked up about something.  
It took a lot of time to convince Dean to share what had happened, but when he did, he uttered a quiet “I can’t do it anymore Sammy, oh god help me Sammy” before collapsing into his brothers arms and letting himself go for a while longer. They stayed like that for the best part of an hour until Dean had calmed enough to let Sam know about all of the thoughts, every nightmare, every time he came close to making dreams a reality. Once he started, he just didn’t stop.  
Sam just sat and let him talk, occasionally whispering reassurances into his brothers ear. He wanted to let Dean know he was listening, but part of his silence was purely out of shock. He’d never seen his big, strong brother like this. Not even after the fire.


	3. A plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam comes up with a plan to help his brother. But will Dean accept it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't really like this fic too much and I know I can do better so this chapter will be the second to last. I know it seems really rushed but I don't want to delete it because I like to finish what I've started. 
> 
> Also I hope everyone is dealing well with the coronavirus situation! Stay safe and practice social distancing.

Chapter 3  
Sam needed time to think after that event. He wanted to help Dean, of course he did. So he thought for days on how to provide the best support he possibly could. But he knew he couldn’t give Dean everything he needed, so he called into a doctor’s surgery and asked for their advice. He knew Dean would hate him forever if he made him take medication, but he’d rather Dean hate him than not be Dean anymore.  
What shocked him the most was when Dean just hugged him, promised him he’d try anything to be better for Sam. To be a better brother. And that was enough to make Sam cry because he couldn’t imagine a better brother than Dean. He didn’t think it was possible. But of course he just playfully punched him on the arm and said “Come on dude, lets go before I have to deal with anymore chick-flick moments with you. I thought it was you that didn’t like ‘em” and at that, they laughed together.  
The doctors office was clean and smelled of disinfectant when the two men walked in together. The woman at the reception desk had an artificial smile plastered on her face as she told Dean which direction to go and who he’d be seeing. Sam knew his brother needed to do this bit alone, so he sat down on a plastic chair and picked up a magazine from the table beside him.


	4. Dean returns

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam notices a change in his brother. And he can breath again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FINAL CHAPTER!

Chapter 4  
The doctor was at the door when Dean got there, with that same cheery grin as the receptionist had. It bugged him because no one was that happy all the time. Especially not him.   
“So, Dean. I know we spoke over the phone a few days ago but I just wanted to meet in person before we make any decisions.” Dean nodded nervously, feeling a weird sensation in his stomach. “Now I know these types of meetings can be difficult, so just let me know if you need to stop at any point” Dean nodded again, not wanting to speak yet.  
“Tell me about your nightmares, Dean.” Ah. The question Dean was dreading. Not because he didn’t trust the doctor, he did. But because he was embarrassed. Ashamed to feel this way as a grown man, suffering like children crawling into their parents beds after imagining scary monsters under their beds.  
But he pushed through this, explaining how they came out to surprise him. How they made him shake and sweat and cry and explode with fear. While Dean was speaking, the doctor just sat, staring, nodding understandingly. And when he was finished, he was sent on his way with a prescription of antidepressants and a therapists number scrawled on a small sheet of paper. It made him feel physically sick. But he wanted to get better. For Sam.  
The antidepressants were picked up immediately, but Dean tucked the number away, hoping not to need it for a while at least. Sam looked away as he took his first dose, giving his stoic brother the dignity he needed. But after a while, depression became something that was only talked about when they were talking about other people. And Dean was happy about that.  
Sure, he still had a nightmare every now and then, but Sam was right there with him when he woke up, wiping the sweat out of his brow, clasping his steady hands over Dean’s trembling ones. Dean could see that it gave Sam a relief now he was able to help his brother without getting turned away with an embarrassed look hidden behind a sarcastic comment. And Sam slowly saw his brother return. Which meant lots of pie, lots of empty condom wrappers and lots of genuine smiles. 

The end

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I said in my notes before but I'm really not happy with this fic. Please check out my first fic if you're interested in similar themes to this one. Thanks for all kudos and comments <3


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